First hand Kwik -E-Mart review!

This weekend a long time dream was realized. That dream was about two words: one real, one animated. The only two franchises never to have let me down came together in the very best that modern marketing will ever have to offer.

7-11, the late night source for stoned teenagers buying shiny objects. The year round, midnight oasis to party patrons across the nation. The one place you put up with paying premium prices.

And The Simpsons, the best show that has ever been made. The cartoon which paved the way for adult humor animation. And the only one which has maintained it's dignity virtually every step of the way. The one show which never gets old.

And the result of the two coming together? A real life Kwik E Mart.

By now, I'm sure everyone has heard the news.

But I was lucky enough to live 30 minutes away from a newly converted store. So I thought I'd fill my camera with pictures, and review the Port Coquitlam Kwik-E-Mart.

When we first arrived, the sign stuck out light a lighthouse beacon reflecting the suns rays, blinding us with it's beauty. There it was: a real live Kwik-E--Mart. Quite possibly the coolest thing that will happen in 2007.

The parking lot was packed, but we somehow managed to get a space right in from of the main doors. It was a blessing from God, because there were probably about 100 people in and around the store. No joke.











This is the front sign. I have mixed feelings about seeing Bart and Milhouse sitting on top of the store. Yeah, it's kinda neat to see, but it's weak. Bart and Milhouse never hang out on the roof. How would they get up there? And why? This seemed like a deviation meant to appeal to a more mainstream crowd. I would have preferred to see only the classic "Kwik-E-Mart" sign, front and center, above the doors. But whatever. It's still cool I guess.





Here's a shot from outside. You can see that business is clearly booming. I pity the poor employees who have to put up with it, and I envy the owners for essentially winning the lottery of the marketing world.

Apu is seen, saying, "Thank you for loitering. Please come again."

And loiter you could. There was enough people there that you could have purchased a non-consecutive dozen different items, and the store clerks would have said "Thank you come again" every time.

Here's me, posing with Marge, and Jeff Albertson, otherwise known as "Comic Book Guy."

Marge is carrying groceries, yet looks as is she's ready to head inside. I guess 7-11 wouldn't want the image of someone LEAVING their store on the wall. Comic book guy is reading Radioavtive Man comics, and feasting on Nachos. Most likely covered in imitation cheese-flavored substitute.




Here's my brother enjoying the same photogenic privileges as me.
































Inside, it was still a 7-11. All the same crap was there. But now there were character stand-ups everywhere, and a few choice themed products.




















This was the stack of genuine Kwik-E-Mart Squishee cups. And what better souvenir than your very first "Official Squishee."


















Time to fill up. As the blue, vanilla flavored, frosty sludge oozed into the cup, I anxiously awaited the taste, nay, the experience, of quenching my thirst with a piece of Simpson's history.

If you look closely, I have two cups. One for drinking, one for keeping.


I thought I'd be able to get away with it...






















Here's the finished product. The slurpee namesake has been shrugged off in a glorious stride of progress.

Did it taste any different than a regular slurpee?

I don't know. I had never tried the Blue Vanilla flavor before, heh heh.
























Harry's down with the Squishee action too. I can't remember what flavor he got. Coke or something. It wasn't nearly as interesting as Blue Vanilla.


I love this picture. He's looks so excited, yet he has this smirk of phoniness about him.






















BUZZ Cola.
"twice the sugar, twice the caffeine"






















Here's the wall sign for Krusty's cereal, "KrustyO's". The store was supposed to be selling them, but apparently had been sold out for hours. This was also true for the Buzz Cola, and the pink donuts, and the radioactive man comics. D'oh!

I'm sure you'll be able to get them all on ebay soon enough.


Spoke too soon...
























Here's the closeup. We can see worms, screws, fur, and of course the classic "Jagged Metal Krusty-O".

It also reads, "Now with 20% more air!!"








































The plastic donut wasn't bad. It was flavored with the summertime sweat on a thousand patrons, and textured with the germs of everybody who had done this before me. Pretty much exactly like the actual donuts at the Kwik-E-Mart.





















But they were out of the real pink donuts.




The expression says it all.


















The clerks were dressed in true to form Kwik-E-Mart attire. I thought the jackets were brilliantly done, but I couldn't tell if the employees were into it or not.

It was probably fun for the first day, but after a week of non-stop business, it's probably wearing thin.

To the owner of the Port Coquitlam Kwik-E-Mart:

GIVE YOUR EMPLOYEES A RAISE!!!













Here's the only other thing that seemed out of place. This statement from Apu saying, "Our Hot Dogs are rich in bunly goodness."

This quote was originally spoken by Lunch Lady Dorris, and said "Bunny goodness" instead of "Bunly goodness".

It would be different if Lunch Lady Dorris and Apu had ever been seen interacting in any way. Like, if they traded cleaning supplies one time, or if Apu helped cook at the school every once and awhile.

















But that out of place statement was redeemed by a new original. "Buy 3 for the price of 3!" It hasn't been see in The Simpsons before, however, it's a perfect exploration of the exceptional deals one might find in a Kwik-E-Mart.






















My brother chows down on Homer's hot dog. Luckily for him, he's taking a bite from the side yet to touch Homer's lips, so there's no danger of cartoon-cross contamination .

































This one caught me completely off guard.

The image of Frostillicus, the frozen body of Jasper turned Kwik-E-Mart side-show, was displayed inside one of the coolers. Brilliant stuff!! I loved it.


















This one is great.

As you can see, this sign uses Homer's famous cry of delight as it's advertising hook. Homer and Apu must really be getting close! Apu is starting to use Homer's catch phrases in his advertising!

Now of course, one would have to enter the Simpson's world to get the true Kwik-E-Mart experience. But this was as close as one will ever come. And you could feel the fun and fantasy of The Simpsons draped over the same harsh, merciless world of daytime 7-11.


In the upper right corner, you can see the "ID Zone" sticker, informing the masses that it is unlawful to sell tobacco products to those under 19. I could go on about this picture for hours...But it's pretty self explanitory.



















I had the biggest urge to bust out a can of spray paint and paint "El Barto" across the bright yellow wall. Later that night on the internet, I saw pictures of other Kwik-E-Marts that featured just that. One had a picture of Skinner, and said he sucks or smells or something. Funny stuff.




















When we went up to the counter, we were promptly informed that there was a limited supply of Squishee cups, and that we would have to pay full price for each one. I had two, and Harry had three. He decided to get they anyway. After all, it is a timeless piece of Simpsons memorabilia. And someday, will be worth 10 million dollars. A wise investment.





















It took some careful maneuvering to get out of the parking lot. There were people everywhere, cars pointed straight at each other, and no one backing down. Or maybe no one knew what the hell to do. Eventually, we managed to leave the lot.







So how was it all? Great. It was pretty tastefully done, and seeing all the little things inside really made the experience. Sure, they didn't have any more radioactive man comics. But I enjoyed a genuine squishee in the hot summer heat, and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.

I was amazed at how busy it was. There was a huge lineup inside, but the service was pretty fast. Maybe none of the clerks were Indian, but their work ethic held up to the true Kwik-E-Mart standards. A beautiful thing.

A Beautiful thing.


So if any of you have the chance to visit one of these stores, do so. Bring money, and a Camera. It's a lifetime experience for any true Simpsons aficionado.